Moo for me

Ever since I was a child I have had a love affair with books.  I know I am not alone in this.  Can you remember the first books you fell in love with?  I can't quite, but I've been told that they were Chicken Little

and 

a farm animal book, and that I tortured the adults in my life with requests to read and reread them until I had them memorized.  Then I made everyone listen to me as I "read" to them.  I guess what goes around, comes around and now my life is filled with a granddaughter who follows close at my side, begging, "Book!" "BOOK!" and carrying a couple books with her.  The three choices all have farm animals in them, and she patiently turns the pages until the cows show up.  Brown cows or black and white, photograph or cartooned, she begins mooing and looks expectantly at me as I have to  perform, again and again, my only really good animal impersonation, a deep rumbling moo that leaves my glasses vibrating until my nose tickles and her hand rests on my chest where the vibration makes her giggle.

 Children can be exhausting, but also inspiring, and as I have less time and energy, I also find my imagination dredging up new story ideas and material for new details in old stories.  So finally I am at the end of a long, busy school year that saw some writing, but no finishing of novels, and I am often sitting with the child on my knee, but I am suddenly sure where the stories are going and I'm having a great time getting there.

 I look back to old pictures of myself as a child and a teen and I remember hearing even then that I was an old soul, an adult in a child's body, someone who did not fit in with her peers much.  But suddenly I am where I must have always been meant to be.  I do fit in this role, I am a grandma and have always been a caretaker and a storyteller.

Welcome to the summer where everything feels magic, because she has no memory of ever seeing a Cherry tree turn pink, it was that way when she was born - but the blooms quickly blew away.  This ear she sees it and every new sprout and bloom is a fragile but somewhat terrifying thing that must be greeted with delight and awe, and touched with a hesitant single finger, ready to pull back quickly if it hurts or pop into her mouth and savor it, if it is a new, yummy.

Changes in publishing and letting go while writing

 I have been living with Duffy Barkley in my head since my own sons were children playing on the beach and in the redwood forest with me, and I would tell them stories, based in part upon the places we found ourselves, so the world Duffy finds himself in, shares many details with the Redwood Coast where I raised my sons, and the Northwest Corner of Wyoming where my grandfather, my mom, and I all grew up.  But it also has a lot of details from out lives, blended with real and imaginary things from the books, movies and news of out time.  In short, when my Mom read my fiction, and told me that she could find me on every page, I was only surprised until I thought about it.

I realize there are only so many plots in the world, and it is how we take in the world around us, take it apart, mix it up and give it our own special twist that makes each storyteller still have something only we can share because only we have experienced our unique life.

So in Duffy's world, you can see the fact that I work with handicapped children and the fact that I love being out in nature far more than being in a city, and that I believe there is strength and joy in diversity.  The times have changed since I started telling these stories.   Even the way I write them and share them has evolved. My first manuscript was written on a typewriter, then when I got a computer, scanned page by page into it. Then I had to go through and change everything the scanner had misread, like g's turned into s, or worse.

Then I edited once on screen and printed it out and read it out loud to my husband and both sons, who were in Jr. high by then but went on long car trips with us when they were a captive audience.

Duffy's "first printing" and the "books" I wrote in grade school

While I read, I penned in changes and additions and corrections and then had to fix it on my computer, which by the way was still not online, then print out a copy and take it to the office supply store and have 4 copies printed (which cost over $100 dollars) and then mailed those around to editors and agents, paying postage and waiting months each time.

 When things finally started to change and books could be attached as a pdf file and sent with an email, it was a great relief for my dwindling savings and when I discovered createspace and print-on-demand I was thrilled and terrified.  Could publishing this way ever make sense?  Anyway, I could rough out a cover and get a proof copy from them and see my story as an actual book, for about $7, way less than the stack of loos photocopied pages.

The first proof copy

Even since I did print that novel in 2010, things keep changing, giving both authors and readers more options as time moves quickly in the book world now.  Kindle and Nook readers seemed incredible with their replica of the printed page at first, and now have kept evolving to come in color and interactive, have kept changing what can be done.  I'm slowly evolving and learning some of the new tricks like actually getting my hand drawn map into pic monkey and adding color, but there is so much more to learn, and the skills of other artists and authors and editors keep it exciting.

The most exciting thing of all to me though, is that once my books started finding readers, I had to realize they were not just mine anymore.  I might have given them to the world, but each reader adds their own interpretation, and takes away different things.  If I write that someone is in a house and I'm seeing a cabin, I can't always know how each reader will visualize the house unless I have been really specific, do they see a plank house, a trailer, an apartment?  I don't control Duffy and friends anymore, now they have slipped into the world as surely as my sons have done.

Princess SeaBee and Boo

Another Birthday

 Every Year they roll around and I do my best to ignore them. Birthdays that is.  Even as a child, I remember being more embarrassed by the expectation that other people would treat me special and insecure how to handle it gracefully, when I spent a lot of my time avoiding being the center of attention.  The little girl I was, was teased a lot, and rebuffed for saying hello, or looking too long at the other, more popular kids.  It was hard to believe that people wanted to make my day special, so I always doubted it, thinking that if kids came to my party, then it was because they wanted to play in the park across the street or because their parents made them.

 I pretty much avoided being in the spotlight, and even on my wedding day managed to sneak away and get married with only my parents, grandma and brothers attending at the last minute in an upstairs office above main street.

 So now, the fact that I have friends and family who have loved me so long, and so completely that I can stand up and say, "Today is my Day!  Look at me!  I am loved."  I can put on the funny hat that demands attention and stand in front of a classroom and demand attention for myself. I can walk to a podium and tell you all about myself and why I love the stories and beauty in this world.

 That is because this world is more full of good people than I ever suspected as a child, and now when I celebrate my birthday, I celebrate another year of being ME surrounded by YOU.

 The world is made up of good and bad, but my 51 years convince me that it is always possible to see the good if you look, and always possible to choose to let other people see the good in you.

 and you know, I'm looking forward to the rest of my life, to the stories I still have to tell and to the people I get to share them with.  I'm good at being an audience and listening to your stories too.

Happy Birthday to me, and thanks to all of you.

Not just Duffy's Mom

I call my Blog "Duffy Barkley's Mom" because I created the character of a young boy with cerebral palsy and an allergy to being told "no." He stars in two of my novels. But there are two wonderful young men who are the only people in the world who get to call me "mom" and neither is named Duffy.

I wanted to be a Mom for my whole life, but it took a long time to happen and yet happened unexpectedly fast.  For 10 years i couldn't get pregnant and then I was trying to adopt older children, or handicapped or a sibling group, when suddenly i found out i could bring home a newborn and his birth Mom was 2 weeks overdue so in 3 days I suddenly had a baby, and then found out shortly after that I was pregnant and then there were 2. 2 boys in 1 year.

I needed advice, and fast.  The best advice I ever got was, "When they are cranky, put them in water." It worked for cranky moms too.  Water or anything messy, anything that meant washing in water would be required later.

 I think I got pretty good at being a mom.  I think that because I had so much fun at it, and also because both of my babies became young men who make the world a better place by being in it.  Kind, creative, loving, hard working and wonderful, but I could be biased.


'Hmmm. No I'm not.  I asked an objective opinion from their dad and he agrees.

 Anyway, the problem with developing the skills to be a good Mom, is that those skills are not really needed for as long as it takes to develop them.  By the time you learn to ignore the minor details and focus on the fun and creativity.  By the time you know a thousand kids songs and can mix playdough and finger paint from common kitchen ingredients, by the time you can smile and get giggles while cleaning up a baby with the flu.  They are not babies.

 Then you find yourself in the grocery store, buying groceries for two middle aged empty nesters, next  to an awkward young father trying to juggle two kids and the debit machine, and you know if you offer to help, he will wonder what kind of weird stalker creep is trying to get close to his babies. Suddenly you know all the skills you have built up in a lifetime, are not wanted anywhere.  And it shakes you to the core.

 Then you get lucky, because life keeps changing and moving on, and there will be other laughing toddlers and exhausted parents, who say yes to Grandma when she wants to have the kid for the weekend

 and once again I got to soap the floor with bubbles and mop it by skating on wet towels. I got to see messy face break into giggles as I sang about baby whales and little white ducks.  So Sorry Duffy, but you have to share, because the best job I ever had, was being A & E's Mom.

The 2 pairs of Pants Deal

I had to take a month off line because the hard drive in my computer died, and then I found out what a gift that was as I spent a great family winter break, talking and going for walls and being with family and friends. I barely missed the on-line addictions but I am back now and eager to look for JOY in 2012, I have decided that my focus word for the year has to be "Joy" as that is the one thing I have been struggling with my whole life, I tend to look for the problems first instead of seeing all the great things around me.

So, life is mostly great, even though money, not so much.

Sometimes I am joking, but always half serious when I say that I think I made an agreement before I was born.  I think the deal was what I call the "2 pairs of pants" deal.  I only ever manage to have 2 good pairs of pants at once, then if I buy more, one tears or I spill paint on it.  Same with every necessary thing, If I get extra money, my water heater dies or my tires need replaced and it and costs that exact amount.  But also, I never seem to go without what I need, so if the rent is due and I am broke there will be an unexpected gift, or job,
 or tax return and the exact amount will be there.  I do feel like the Lily in the field who might as well not worry because the worrying changes nothing
except how I view my world and whether I notice the Joy in it.

The great thing is, there is abundance in my life, and it is in the things way more important than money.  I have lived my life surrounded by those who love me and by beauty and by opportunities to be with great people in wonderful parts of the world



so this year, while I strive to move that scale, and to add to the bank balance, or at least to pay the bills, I am going to Trust that Joy will be there.

Every Day.