Not just Duffy's Mom

I call my Blog "Duffy Barkley's Mom" because I created the character of a young boy with cerebral palsy and an allergy to being told "no." He stars in two of my novels. But there are two wonderful young men who are the only people in the world who get to call me "mom" and neither is named Duffy.

I wanted to be a Mom for my whole life, but it took a long time to happen and yet happened unexpectedly fast.  For 10 years i couldn't get pregnant and then I was trying to adopt older children, or handicapped or a sibling group, when suddenly i found out i could bring home a newborn and his birth Mom was 2 weeks overdue so in 3 days I suddenly had a baby, and then found out shortly after that I was pregnant and then there were 2. 2 boys in 1 year.

I needed advice, and fast.  The best advice I ever got was, "When they are cranky, put them in water." It worked for cranky moms too.  Water or anything messy, anything that meant washing in water would be required later.

 I think I got pretty good at being a mom.  I think that because I had so much fun at it, and also because both of my babies became young men who make the world a better place by being in it.  Kind, creative, loving, hard working and wonderful, but I could be biased.


'Hmmm. No I'm not.  I asked an objective opinion from their dad and he agrees.

 Anyway, the problem with developing the skills to be a good Mom, is that those skills are not really needed for as long as it takes to develop them.  By the time you learn to ignore the minor details and focus on the fun and creativity.  By the time you know a thousand kids songs and can mix playdough and finger paint from common kitchen ingredients, by the time you can smile and get giggles while cleaning up a baby with the flu.  They are not babies.

 Then you find yourself in the grocery store, buying groceries for two middle aged empty nesters, next  to an awkward young father trying to juggle two kids and the debit machine, and you know if you offer to help, he will wonder what kind of weird stalker creep is trying to get close to his babies. Suddenly you know all the skills you have built up in a lifetime, are not wanted anywhere.  And it shakes you to the core.

 Then you get lucky, because life keeps changing and moving on, and there will be other laughing toddlers and exhausted parents, who say yes to Grandma when she wants to have the kid for the weekend

 and once again I got to soap the floor with bubbles and mop it by skating on wet towels. I got to see messy face break into giggles as I sang about baby whales and little white ducks.  So Sorry Duffy, but you have to share, because the best job I ever had, was being A & E's Mom.

Rain, Money, Worries and Being Mom

 Today is Tuesday, April 3rd. I like today because our school is on spring break, but my husband teaches across the border, 22 miles away but in another state, so his spring break ended the day ours began. What this means is that I woke him up early last week, and his alarm gets my eyes open even though technically I can sleep.

We have had something like 6 to 16 inches of rain this week, varying depending on the part of the county, but still, flooding, roads collapsed or buried under landslides, redwoods falling into power lines because the earth around their roots more closely resembles pudding.

"How Snails hide from the downpour"

I have taken every dry moment to haul firewood, and that means I haven't hauled much, but got three wheelbarrow loads yesterday. Since that is my only means of heating the house, it has to be done and it is good exercise too.  A few years back I realized I needed it more than my boys and husband and asked them to let me do the wood hauling as I was afraid that if they "took care of me" I would not be able to do it by the time the boys moved out.

the day the Rhododendrons began to open, the rain attacked them

I wish that my mind did not slow down when the grey skies dominate, but I can feel that it does.  Depression is a fight to avoid and the momentum falters.  I walk around in a warm house with food and family in abundance, and yet the fear of lacking something we need.  The financial news and the bills I have coming in, combine to terrify me and make me wish I could re-do all my choices.

Go tell Aunt Rhodie

a young flicker searching for slugs and worms after the rain

If only I had stayed working full time instead of writing my two books (Non-money makers but oh so fun) and instead of being a parent volunteer, maybe I'd be in a place where there is black ink instead of bills?  I HATE MONEY!  But I have rarely been so freaked out by it.  I wake up at night worrying, feeling my heart racing and my face going numb from adrenalin.  Two kids ready to start their college or adult life, and Me wanting to give them an easy time, but all I can give them is a hug and a prayer.

If it is possible to force yourself to live happier, to expect plenty, and to manifest that plenty into your life by expecting windfalls, that is how I have lived my life.  I knew I would always have enough, not worrying from day to day, and sure enough, exactly what I needed would appear.  Why is it harder to have that trust for my sons?

But let me recommend the book which has helped me when times are darkest.  Pam Young wrote one about getting out of Debt and living joyfully.  It is called, The Get Out Of Debt Book (GOOD Book) and I listen to it again and again when I feel my hope fading, & I end up looking at what I have instead of living in my fears.

 http://www.innerkiddies.com/shop/?wpsc-product=the-get-out-of-debt-book-e-book

The rain creates waterfalls all through the canyon

Yes, snow.  The first I have seen in 12 months, fell on April Fool's Day