Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Rain, Money, Worries and Being Mom

 Today is Tuesday, April 3rd. I like today because our school is on spring break, but my husband teaches across the border, 22 miles away but in another state, so his spring break ended the day ours began. What this means is that I woke him up early last week, and his alarm gets my eyes open even though technically I can sleep.
We have had something like 6 to 16 inches of rain this week, varying depending on the part of the county, but still, flooding, roads collapsed or buried under landslides, redwoods falling into power lines because the earth around their roots more closely resembles pudding.
"How Snails hide from the downpour"
I have taken every dry moment to haul firewood, and that means I haven't hauled much, but got three wheelbarrow loads yesterday. Since that is my only means of heating the house, it has to be done and it is good exercise too.  A few years back I realized I needed it more than my boys and husband and asked them to let me do the wood hauling as I was afraid that if they "took care of me" I would not be able to do it by the time the boys moved out.
the day the Rhododendrons began to open, the rain attacked them

I wish that my mind did not slow down when the grey skies dominate, but I can feel that it does.  Depression is a fight to avoid and the momentum falters.  I walk around in a warm house with food and family in abundance, and yet the fear of lacking something we need.  The financial news and the bills I have coming in, combine to terrify me and make me wish I could re-do all my choices.

Go tell Aunt Rhodie
a young flicker searching for slugs and worms after the rain
If only I had stayed working full time instead of writing my two books (Non-money makers but oh so fun) and instead of being a parent volunteer, maybe I'd be in a place where there is black ink instead of bills?  I HATE MONEY!  But I have rarely been so freaked out by it.  I wake up at night worrying, feeling my heart racing and my face going numb from adrenalin.  Two kids ready to start their college or adult life, and Me wanting to give them an easy time, but all I can give them is a hug and a prayer.
If it is possible to force yourself to live happier, to expect plenty, and to manifest that plenty into your life by expecting windfalls, that is how I have lived my life.  I knew I would always have enough, not worrying from day to day, and sure enough, exactly what I needed would appear.  Why is it harder to have that trust for my sons?

But let me recommend the book which has helped me when times are darkest.  Pam Young wrote one about getting out of Debt and living joyfully.  It is called, The Get Out Of Debt Book (GOOD Book) and I listen to it again and again when I feel my hope fading, & I end up looking at what I have instead of living in my fears.


The rain creates waterfalls all through the canyon

Yes, snow.  The first I have seen in 12 months, fell on April Fool's Day

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